Just got off the phone with you. You sound so different. I also know it's the meds talking and if you were out in our world you would more than likely be more "with it" so to speak. For once I got to to express myself without an arguement from you. I don't know if it's your meds or you but it was nice.
Thre is a commerical on right now for making "easter eggs" - I know you are too old for all that kind of stuff but as your mom I proclaim it my right not to let some of that stuff go. I also realize that you are not always at home on Easter and with your other family and that's cool. It's the main reason Daddy and I have decdied to travel during the Easter holiday. It just made me so sad that I won't even be making the premise of an Easter basket for you this year. Heck my mom still would if Dad and I hadn'[t been married for almost 15 years. Actually she would if we were home.
That said I hope you see that based on decisions you have made for your life how much you affect others. Dad and I are trying to plan a vacation, yes, our first without you. I know what we told you last fall after our Disney trip, but honestly...do you really think we are so awful that we would have shut you out? As long as you were working or being productive...I don't know that we would have gone anywhere without you.
The major issue is trust. We don't have any at all. PERIOD. END OF CONVERSATION. You will have to fix that. Dad and I will have ot find other places to travel - but not Myrtle Beach or any where in Floriday for the moment. We truly can't travel where we have gone together.
too tired now - see you tomorrow.
love you.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
I just don't know
For starters - this format is nasty! I must take the time to learn about designing my own blog. Right now though I have the attention span of a gnat!
We saw you the other day. It was so awkward, another person there listening to our family time to make sure we don't discuss your situation. You were wise enough to find a game to occupy our time with you. I broke down when we left I just can't bear it. I don't know why but I am so numb.
I talked to Sandy the other day...she told Daddy she wanted you number. So I called her for him - he was busy bailing out the basement again during the latest rainstorm. She told me she got her ring back - that's good for her anyways. I offered your telephone numbers to where you are and she didn't want them afterall. She didn't want to speak to you - sorry that may hurt but I am so done sugar coating her actions and comments. I have to be true to myself and now that you are an "adult" you get to hear the honest version, not the Kelli/Mommy protecting you version. I hate that too. All your life I have surgarcoated so much to protect your feelings. Anyways she asked for your mailing address so you can expect to get something from her.
It's funny you say you are so tired all the time. It must be your new meds, being a little depressed I am sure and pure fear of your future. I know I would just want to curl up in a ball. Dad and I aren't sleeping much anymore. We went to bed at 8:30 the other day but woke up at 1:00 am and were ready to face the new day. Maybe it was in anticipation of seeing you where you are...I don't know. Generally we get about 4 or 5 hours of sleep and that's about it. I worry so much about Daddy and his health, he's under so much stress right now. I take care of him the best I can.
Still extremely sad - hate that our doors are locked all the time. Hate that I can't leave the windows open during the day to get some fresh air in the house when I am at work for the kitties. They miss you too. They know something is wrong. Probably because I tore your room apart when we made our discovery two weeks ago and I am just now able to start putting it back together. If only our hearts, trust and faith in you were so easily repaired.
We saw you the other day. It was so awkward, another person there listening to our family time to make sure we don't discuss your situation. You were wise enough to find a game to occupy our time with you. I broke down when we left I just can't bear it. I don't know why but I am so numb.
I talked to Sandy the other day...she told Daddy she wanted you number. So I called her for him - he was busy bailing out the basement again during the latest rainstorm. She told me she got her ring back - that's good for her anyways. I offered your telephone numbers to where you are and she didn't want them afterall. She didn't want to speak to you - sorry that may hurt but I am so done sugar coating her actions and comments. I have to be true to myself and now that you are an "adult" you get to hear the honest version, not the Kelli/Mommy protecting you version. I hate that too. All your life I have surgarcoated so much to protect your feelings. Anyways she asked for your mailing address so you can expect to get something from her.
It's funny you say you are so tired all the time. It must be your new meds, being a little depressed I am sure and pure fear of your future. I know I would just want to curl up in a ball. Dad and I aren't sleeping much anymore. We went to bed at 8:30 the other day but woke up at 1:00 am and were ready to face the new day. Maybe it was in anticipation of seeing you where you are...I don't know. Generally we get about 4 or 5 hours of sleep and that's about it. I worry so much about Daddy and his health, he's under so much stress right now. I take care of him the best I can.
Still extremely sad - hate that our doors are locked all the time. Hate that I can't leave the windows open during the day to get some fresh air in the house when I am at work for the kitties. They miss you too. They know something is wrong. Probably because I tore your room apart when we made our discovery two weeks ago and I am just now able to start putting it back together. If only our hearts, trust and faith in you were so easily repaired.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
This can't be happening to us..
I don't believe it...my daughter is going to jail! Without all the details, she is in a psychiatric facility now being evaluated for competency. She will be there for a couple more weeks.
We are not horrible people or parents. I still think I am in shock as I feel so numb, dead inside.
That said I thought I could let her know whats going on and my thoughts. I don't know, maybe all this is verbal vomiting, purging myself of feelings. My mind is so scattered and unfocused. It's been a week now and I've debated starting writing again so here it goes...
You have no idea what you have done to yourself. So adult, don't want to listen to anyone. Look what you did to yourself! Look at what you have done to your father. I don't know how you can stand yourself knowing you have made your hero cry on a regular basis. Because my heart physically aches everytime I see him. I am here trying to be strong for all of us. I can barely leave the house to go to work. Speaking of which I have had to inform my boss and co workers of your predictament as I have no idea where this is going. Your dad has done the same. I don't know how we are ever going to be able to go to the grocery store.
Thankfully we have a lot of people that love us - friends and family alike and for that I (we) are eternally greatful. However that doesn't take away the overwhelming sadness and emptyness that overcomes us when we are alone or stop moving. This is not the life we planned when you were a little girl for any of us. We had dreams for us - for you. And now they are shattered.
How can we celebrate anything? Christmas? Your birthday? Please tell me how? Easter is in two weeks - tell me please how we are going to get through this. Not being able to do even the littlest thing for you, for us....I can't stand this. Last Saturday I had an absolute melt down over a pizza pan. I can kiss those nights goodbye. No more girl nites.
As we have told you many times over the years, you are a representative of this family. What you do affects us. The world is not just all about you. You seriously need to recognize that and grow up.
The story has made the paper, no names for now though. But your friends names are in it and it won't take a genius to put things together.
It's a goreous spring day today - I'm sorry you are going to miss it.
We are not horrible people or parents. I still think I am in shock as I feel so numb, dead inside.
That said I thought I could let her know whats going on and my thoughts. I don't know, maybe all this is verbal vomiting, purging myself of feelings. My mind is so scattered and unfocused. It's been a week now and I've debated starting writing again so here it goes...
You have no idea what you have done to yourself. So adult, don't want to listen to anyone. Look what you did to yourself! Look at what you have done to your father. I don't know how you can stand yourself knowing you have made your hero cry on a regular basis. Because my heart physically aches everytime I see him. I am here trying to be strong for all of us. I can barely leave the house to go to work. Speaking of which I have had to inform my boss and co workers of your predictament as I have no idea where this is going. Your dad has done the same. I don't know how we are ever going to be able to go to the grocery store.
Thankfully we have a lot of people that love us - friends and family alike and for that I (we) are eternally greatful. However that doesn't take away the overwhelming sadness and emptyness that overcomes us when we are alone or stop moving. This is not the life we planned when you were a little girl for any of us. We had dreams for us - for you. And now they are shattered.
How can we celebrate anything? Christmas? Your birthday? Please tell me how? Easter is in two weeks - tell me please how we are going to get through this. Not being able to do even the littlest thing for you, for us....I can't stand this. Last Saturday I had an absolute melt down over a pizza pan. I can kiss those nights goodbye. No more girl nites.
As we have told you many times over the years, you are a representative of this family. What you do affects us. The world is not just all about you. You seriously need to recognize that and grow up.
The story has made the paper, no names for now though. But your friends names are in it and it won't take a genius to put things together.
It's a goreous spring day today - I'm sorry you are going to miss it.
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