Just got off the phone with you. You sound so different. I also know it's the meds talking and if you were out in our world you would more than likely be more "with it" so to speak. For once I got to to express myself without an arguement from you. I don't know if it's your meds or you but it was nice.
Thre is a commerical on right now for making "easter eggs" - I know you are too old for all that kind of stuff but as your mom I proclaim it my right not to let some of that stuff go. I also realize that you are not always at home on Easter and with your other family and that's cool. It's the main reason Daddy and I have decdied to travel during the Easter holiday. It just made me so sad that I won't even be making the premise of an Easter basket for you this year. Heck my mom still would if Dad and I hadn'[t been married for almost 15 years. Actually she would if we were home.
That said I hope you see that based on decisions you have made for your life how much you affect others. Dad and I are trying to plan a vacation, yes, our first without you. I know what we told you last fall after our Disney trip, but honestly...do you really think we are so awful that we would have shut you out? As long as you were working or being productive...I don't know that we would have gone anywhere without you.
The major issue is trust. We don't have any at all. PERIOD. END OF CONVERSATION. You will have to fix that. Dad and I will have ot find other places to travel - but not Myrtle Beach or any where in Floriday for the moment. We truly can't travel where we have gone together.
too tired now - see you tomorrow.
love you.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
I just don't know
For starters - this format is nasty! I must take the time to learn about designing my own blog. Right now though I have the attention span of a gnat!
We saw you the other day. It was so awkward, another person there listening to our family time to make sure we don't discuss your situation. You were wise enough to find a game to occupy our time with you. I broke down when we left I just can't bear it. I don't know why but I am so numb.
I talked to Sandy the other day...she told Daddy she wanted you number. So I called her for him - he was busy bailing out the basement again during the latest rainstorm. She told me she got her ring back - that's good for her anyways. I offered your telephone numbers to where you are and she didn't want them afterall. She didn't want to speak to you - sorry that may hurt but I am so done sugar coating her actions and comments. I have to be true to myself and now that you are an "adult" you get to hear the honest version, not the Kelli/Mommy protecting you version. I hate that too. All your life I have surgarcoated so much to protect your feelings. Anyways she asked for your mailing address so you can expect to get something from her.
It's funny you say you are so tired all the time. It must be your new meds, being a little depressed I am sure and pure fear of your future. I know I would just want to curl up in a ball. Dad and I aren't sleeping much anymore. We went to bed at 8:30 the other day but woke up at 1:00 am and were ready to face the new day. Maybe it was in anticipation of seeing you where you are...I don't know. Generally we get about 4 or 5 hours of sleep and that's about it. I worry so much about Daddy and his health, he's under so much stress right now. I take care of him the best I can.
Still extremely sad - hate that our doors are locked all the time. Hate that I can't leave the windows open during the day to get some fresh air in the house when I am at work for the kitties. They miss you too. They know something is wrong. Probably because I tore your room apart when we made our discovery two weeks ago and I am just now able to start putting it back together. If only our hearts, trust and faith in you were so easily repaired.
We saw you the other day. It was so awkward, another person there listening to our family time to make sure we don't discuss your situation. You were wise enough to find a game to occupy our time with you. I broke down when we left I just can't bear it. I don't know why but I am so numb.
I talked to Sandy the other day...she told Daddy she wanted you number. So I called her for him - he was busy bailing out the basement again during the latest rainstorm. She told me she got her ring back - that's good for her anyways. I offered your telephone numbers to where you are and she didn't want them afterall. She didn't want to speak to you - sorry that may hurt but I am so done sugar coating her actions and comments. I have to be true to myself and now that you are an "adult" you get to hear the honest version, not the Kelli/Mommy protecting you version. I hate that too. All your life I have surgarcoated so much to protect your feelings. Anyways she asked for your mailing address so you can expect to get something from her.
It's funny you say you are so tired all the time. It must be your new meds, being a little depressed I am sure and pure fear of your future. I know I would just want to curl up in a ball. Dad and I aren't sleeping much anymore. We went to bed at 8:30 the other day but woke up at 1:00 am and were ready to face the new day. Maybe it was in anticipation of seeing you where you are...I don't know. Generally we get about 4 or 5 hours of sleep and that's about it. I worry so much about Daddy and his health, he's under so much stress right now. I take care of him the best I can.
Still extremely sad - hate that our doors are locked all the time. Hate that I can't leave the windows open during the day to get some fresh air in the house when I am at work for the kitties. They miss you too. They know something is wrong. Probably because I tore your room apart when we made our discovery two weeks ago and I am just now able to start putting it back together. If only our hearts, trust and faith in you were so easily repaired.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
This can't be happening to us..
I don't believe it...my daughter is going to jail! Without all the details, she is in a psychiatric facility now being evaluated for competency. She will be there for a couple more weeks.
We are not horrible people or parents. I still think I am in shock as I feel so numb, dead inside.
That said I thought I could let her know whats going on and my thoughts. I don't know, maybe all this is verbal vomiting, purging myself of feelings. My mind is so scattered and unfocused. It's been a week now and I've debated starting writing again so here it goes...
You have no idea what you have done to yourself. So adult, don't want to listen to anyone. Look what you did to yourself! Look at what you have done to your father. I don't know how you can stand yourself knowing you have made your hero cry on a regular basis. Because my heart physically aches everytime I see him. I am here trying to be strong for all of us. I can barely leave the house to go to work. Speaking of which I have had to inform my boss and co workers of your predictament as I have no idea where this is going. Your dad has done the same. I don't know how we are ever going to be able to go to the grocery store.
Thankfully we have a lot of people that love us - friends and family alike and for that I (we) are eternally greatful. However that doesn't take away the overwhelming sadness and emptyness that overcomes us when we are alone or stop moving. This is not the life we planned when you were a little girl for any of us. We had dreams for us - for you. And now they are shattered.
How can we celebrate anything? Christmas? Your birthday? Please tell me how? Easter is in two weeks - tell me please how we are going to get through this. Not being able to do even the littlest thing for you, for us....I can't stand this. Last Saturday I had an absolute melt down over a pizza pan. I can kiss those nights goodbye. No more girl nites.
As we have told you many times over the years, you are a representative of this family. What you do affects us. The world is not just all about you. You seriously need to recognize that and grow up.
The story has made the paper, no names for now though. But your friends names are in it and it won't take a genius to put things together.
It's a goreous spring day today - I'm sorry you are going to miss it.
We are not horrible people or parents. I still think I am in shock as I feel so numb, dead inside.
That said I thought I could let her know whats going on and my thoughts. I don't know, maybe all this is verbal vomiting, purging myself of feelings. My mind is so scattered and unfocused. It's been a week now and I've debated starting writing again so here it goes...
You have no idea what you have done to yourself. So adult, don't want to listen to anyone. Look what you did to yourself! Look at what you have done to your father. I don't know how you can stand yourself knowing you have made your hero cry on a regular basis. Because my heart physically aches everytime I see him. I am here trying to be strong for all of us. I can barely leave the house to go to work. Speaking of which I have had to inform my boss and co workers of your predictament as I have no idea where this is going. Your dad has done the same. I don't know how we are ever going to be able to go to the grocery store.
Thankfully we have a lot of people that love us - friends and family alike and for that I (we) are eternally greatful. However that doesn't take away the overwhelming sadness and emptyness that overcomes us when we are alone or stop moving. This is not the life we planned when you were a little girl for any of us. We had dreams for us - for you. And now they are shattered.
How can we celebrate anything? Christmas? Your birthday? Please tell me how? Easter is in two weeks - tell me please how we are going to get through this. Not being able to do even the littlest thing for you, for us....I can't stand this. Last Saturday I had an absolute melt down over a pizza pan. I can kiss those nights goodbye. No more girl nites.
As we have told you many times over the years, you are a representative of this family. What you do affects us. The world is not just all about you. You seriously need to recognize that and grow up.
The story has made the paper, no names for now though. But your friends names are in it and it won't take a genius to put things together.
It's a goreous spring day today - I'm sorry you are going to miss it.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
WOW - Where did the time go - part 2
I can't believe it's November already! Time flies when you are having fun (or not). It's been a tough year and let's just leave it at that for now.
Back to 100 Things About Me:
16. I believe that chocolate is a food group.
17. We just got back from Disney World. Note I did not say vacation at Disney . There were was nothing relaxing about it :)
18. I love my job.
19. I miss my high school girl friends.
20. I love Christmas.
21. I believe in the perfect gift - all the way down to the wrapping. And I will spend countless hours looking for the perfect gift.
22. I love making homemade gifts, even though they are not appreciated
23. Wine, not beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Sorry Mr. Franklin.
24. I am a list maker. They make me feel productive.
On my needles:
CLAPOTIS - my first and I am loving every stitch. What a wonderful pattern, so clever. I have two skeins of LimenViolet's Intentions yarn in the patience colorway. If you know me, you get the colorway.
TUSCANY SHAWL - my first shawl, very easy. It's going to be a lovely gift for my sister for Christmas.
KnitPicks crew neck sweater - for my daughter for Christmas in her favorite color - green with navy stripes. Unfortunately it will be a work in progress in her gift box.
Plain vanilla socks - half of the foot to go and the pair will be done. The yarn is a self striping / fair isle.
JAYWALKERS - brought the beginning of this sock on vacation and never touched it. It will probably be frogged.
Back to 100 Things About Me:
16. I believe that chocolate is a food group.
17. We just got back from Disney World. Note I did not say vacation at Disney . There were was nothing relaxing about it :)
18. I love my job.
19. I miss my high school girl friends.
20. I love Christmas.
21. I believe in the perfect gift - all the way down to the wrapping. And I will spend countless hours looking for the perfect gift.
22. I love making homemade gifts, even though they are not appreciated
23. Wine, not beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Sorry Mr. Franklin.
24. I am a list maker. They make me feel productive.
On my needles:
CLAPOTIS - my first and I am loving every stitch. What a wonderful pattern, so clever. I have two skeins of LimenViolet's Intentions yarn in the patience colorway. If you know me, you get the colorway.
TUSCANY SHAWL - my first shawl, very easy. It's going to be a lovely gift for my sister for Christmas.
KnitPicks crew neck sweater - for my daughter for Christmas in her favorite color - green with navy stripes. Unfortunately it will be a work in progress in her gift box.
Plain vanilla socks - half of the foot to go and the pair will be done. The yarn is a self striping / fair isle.
JAYWALKERS - brought the beginning of this sock on vacation and never touched it. It will probably be frogged.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
WOW - where did the time go?
WOW, it was my full intention to write on a regular basis for 2009. Good intention. Now whereto begin....
Since this is the first post for 2009 it seems ok to post a list as that's what we all do at the first of a new year. Here goes:
100 things about me - in no apparent order:
1. Being a parent is the single hardest thing I have ever done.
2. Being a parent is the most rewarding job I have ever had.
3. Words do not exist to express how much I love my husband.
4. I am a stepmother - even though at our house we are like the Brady's and "step" is not part our vocabulary.
5. Someday I hope my daughter reads this blog.
6. I absolutely adore my daughter, even when she isn't very likeable
7. I love to cook -even though my family are very fussy eaters.
8. I am so proud of my husband - he is just an amazing man.
9. I love to knit.
10. I knit in traffic (a lot)
11. I am an ADD knitter - I LOVE to cast on!
12. My mother is my best friend.
13 My husband is my everything - he's on a playing field so much above everyone I know. Words cannot express my devotion to him.
14. I wish I had more patience.
15. I love my kitties - they are my babies and a huge part of my family.
Since this is the first post for 2009 it seems ok to post a list as that's what we all do at the first of a new year. Here goes:
100 things about me - in no apparent order:
1. Being a parent is the single hardest thing I have ever done.
2. Being a parent is the most rewarding job I have ever had.
3. Words do not exist to express how much I love my husband.
4. I am a stepmother - even though at our house we are like the Brady's and "step" is not part our vocabulary.
5. Someday I hope my daughter reads this blog.
6. I absolutely adore my daughter, even when she isn't very likeable
7. I love to cook -even though my family are very fussy eaters.
8. I am so proud of my husband - he is just an amazing man.
9. I love to knit.
10. I knit in traffic (a lot)
11. I am an ADD knitter - I LOVE to cast on!
12. My mother is my best friend.
13 My husband is my everything - he's on a playing field so much above everyone I know. Words cannot express my devotion to him.
14. I wish I had more patience.
15. I love my kitties - they are my babies and a huge part of my family.
Monday, November 24, 2008
When a bandaid doesn't fix it
What do you do when your daughter has a problem and you can't make it go away? I guess mother's through the ages have been asking that question. I would like to wrap her in my arms, give her a hug and help her work through it.....not tonight though.
It seems that a teen on the other end of her cell phone did or is doing the trick - I hear giggles.
When do we turn this Mommy thing off?
My Weight Watchers journey has been placed on a temporary "time out". I'm such an emotional eater. I've just been so bogged down with work and what's going on there - my husband's family, the holidays, my daughter - gee let's see how many more excuses I can come up with. I haven't journaled my food for a while, but am trying to be aware of what I put in my mouth, including the multiple candy cane Hershey kisses :) Go, no run to the store right now and get some!
I have noticed one thing. I made a personal resolution to allow myself to be happy, to let the little things go. I guess I'm sort of coaching myself through it. But I feel happier. I have made conscious choices to change my tone of voice and hopefully the targets have noticed the edge is slowly softening.
I just love this time of year - Eric seems to have caught the spirit a lot earlier than usual too. We're putting up the fire fighter tree this year. I can't wait, Saturday won't get her fast enough! I love just sitting in the room with the tree all lit up and nothing else but the glow from a candle or two, some nice music - ah paradise in November.
It seems that a teen on the other end of her cell phone did or is doing the trick - I hear giggles.
When do we turn this Mommy thing off?
My Weight Watchers journey has been placed on a temporary "time out". I'm such an emotional eater. I've just been so bogged down with work and what's going on there - my husband's family, the holidays, my daughter - gee let's see how many more excuses I can come up with. I haven't journaled my food for a while, but am trying to be aware of what I put in my mouth, including the multiple candy cane Hershey kisses :) Go, no run to the store right now and get some!
I have noticed one thing. I made a personal resolution to allow myself to be happy, to let the little things go. I guess I'm sort of coaching myself through it. But I feel happier. I have made conscious choices to change my tone of voice and hopefully the targets have noticed the edge is slowly softening.
I just love this time of year - Eric seems to have caught the spirit a lot earlier than usual too. We're putting up the fire fighter tree this year. I can't wait, Saturday won't get her fast enough! I love just sitting in the room with the tree all lit up and nothing else but the glow from a candle or two, some nice music - ah paradise in November.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Another weekend
Another weekend and we're off to North Conway for the weekend. Don't really have an agenda other than some holiday shopping. This will be a little different as usually Aimee doesn't come with us for get-a-way weekends and this was her idea. I guess she was feeling left out.
I plan on finding all the LYS in that area. My mother has give me her order! Not that I need to buy anything else!
Currently on my needles:
I plan on finding all the LYS in that area. My mother has give me her order! Not that I need to buy anything else!
Currently on my needles:
- Basic socks for Lt E
- 2nd Magical Fingerless Mittens - great pattern!
- Lady Eleanor for me
- Morehouse Farm Alligator scarf for my sister
- two different 2nd socks for me! (they will just have to wait)
- random bath puffs for holiday gifts - ok, I'm a hooker too!
Weight Watchers - stopped going to meetings as we are now cooking for the in-laws everyother night for the time being and I just don't have enough hours in the day for everything. I will continue to watch what I put in my mouth and make my best effort to track EVERYTHING! That should be a lot easier now - Ijust got the new Palm Centro phone/pda. I will always have my tracker with me and will always be connected to WW.
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